Because my meager oar-rific experience consists of renting kayaks by the hour in Lake Tahoe and, um, being up sh*t creek without a paddle—an all-too-familiar occurence in my life—I'm thinking about checking out the Bay Area PaddleFest this weekend at the Quarry Lakes Regional Recreation Area in Fremont. Think of it as speed-dating for people interested in courting the kayak, the canoe or the paddleboard. The schedule is jam-packed with on-land and on-water clinics that range from the super basics (The Forward Stroke and Cartopping 101) to more advanced pursuits (Rolling Class and Kayak Fishing). By the end of the weekend ($50/unlimited two-day clinic and demo pass) you should know which kayak, canoe or paddleboard is a perfect match for you, how to load it onto your car, how to dress when you're out on the water, how to save yourself in case you flip and, last, but not least, the best spots in Northern California for paddlesports. You know, concrete, tangible perks. Which is usually more than actual speed-dating scenarios can offer. (Although, if you find a speed-dating function that not only produces the Perfect Match, but also provides lessons on how to load the Perfect Match into the car, how dress the Perfect Match according to your wishes and how to save the relationship after the Perfect Match flips out, I'm sure there are singles all over San Francisco who would pay top dollar for that miraculous event.)