My girlfriend and I have lots of great sex lasting usually an hour or so, and she regularly orgasms either from oral sex or intercourse. When she doesn’t (about a quarter of the time), I’m not sure when to keep trying versus move on to my own orgasm. I’m a sensitive guy, and I don’t like ending without her. But she says she’s fine with her frequency of orgasm and enjoys sex either way. And yet, this nags at me. I feel like I should be doing more, or she should be. Help.

He Said: Seriously? Bastards like you make the rest of us look bad: frequent bouts of hour-long sex, regularly giving oral pleasure, and a 75 percent overall bingo score. I’m guessing you’ve already talked with her about what she likes, but if you haven’t, that’s your next step. Hint: For most women in long-term relationships, the ultimate orgasm ingredient (in addition to touching her the way she likes) is a feeling of love, safety, and complete acceptance. About 45 minutes into that hour-long climb, if she’s anywhere near the crest of the hill, whisper in her ear how much you love her. If that takes her over the top, great. If not, don’t sweat it. Otherwise, she may sense your tension and feel pressured to have an orgasm, and that’s not fair to her or you.

She Said: Seriously? If a 75 percent success rate is good enough for her, I wonder why it’s not good enough for you. Since we’re talking numbers, let’s throw out a few more. A 2005 study on 4,000-plus British women found that only 14 percent could orgasm during intercourse—so the fact that your girlfriend sometimes climaxes this way puts her (and you) in a very lucky minority. A full 32 percent were unable to orgasm (via any method) more than a quarter of the time, and—listen up—16 percent of women never climaxed. If you’re wondering how these sobering numbers can possibly jibe with the cultural image we have of wildly orgasmic nymphos, it should also be noted that at least 50 percent of women admit to having faked it.

Simply put, women just do not orgasm as easily or as quickly as men do—which is fairly self-explanatory since the survival of the species doesn’t depend on our orgasm like it does on yours. That’s not to say we don’t love sex or don’t long for more orgasms. We do. It would be great if we climaxed 100 percent of the time and at the very same moment you did. But I can assure you that making that a goal is the last thing any woman wants to think about. By all accounts, you and your girlfriend are having an amazing sex life. Relax and enjoy it, and if you really want to do something about that remaining 25 percent, then get to Good Vibrations, buy a Hitachi Magic Wand, and once you’ve finished, turn that thing on and go to town.

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