Ahoy film snots from the deep end of the Hollywood Roosevelt Pool where Poppa H is enjoying another one of his 96 annual vacation days catfishing below the famous diving board where pinup goddess Marilyn Monroe first unleashed her va-va-va-vooms in front of the life sucking Hollywood cameras…Why’s Aqua Dork chilling at the bottom of a pool? Dude (whispering), keep it hush-hush but I just got thrown off that balcony by Kimbo Slice, the Ultimate Fighting Champion after a testy brunch time altercation. How could you not see that shit? I’m hiding from the beast. Get lost.
Lucky for me, my father raised a little stuntman who was taught to make sweet ass poolside landings on Gin Rummy tables full of retired hoofers from the Busby Berkeley circuit. These birds were so drunk they didn’t even feel my heroin chic impact. Of course, once I saw the several dozen unoccupied oxygen tanks by the table, bada-bing, forget about it, here I am hiding underwater from the cruel world like Dusty Hoffman in The Graduate. Trust me, this is how people stay ahead in LA, by finding clever ways to sink to new lows…
Giving “Malcolm In The Middle” A Whole New Meaning
Bare Fisted
I won’t go into why Mr. Slice felt obliged to throw me off my own balcony but I admit, last night, I was out of line when I threatened to kill the 400 pound gentleman and stuff him into the Tropicana Bar piano if he didn’t cool it on all the bare-fisted backyard brawl stories… One can only take so much violence. Maybe it was the 12 snifters of brandy that compelled me, but I popped off with the following capricious salvo, I’m paraphrasing:
You’re tough Kimbo Slice, we get it,
but why not let the LA Hoop-Ts talk
for a hot minute or you’ll never get laid like that
Malcolm in the Middle guy over in the corner.
Look at that Frankie Muniz go, he’s 12 and he’s gotta face
full of “cougar cleavage.” Do you know why he
gets all the ass? Do ya? Because a) he’s rich as shit
and b) because he’s a “good listener.”
So shut up and take notes, that’s all I’m sayin…
Then Kimbo picked me up and planted me head first into a nearby Palm Tree Planter. Man, if it sounds funny, it wasn’t. I’m wearing like an underwater neck brace right now, lawsuit pending. Someone tell me when the big guy checks out...
King Of The Demo vs. Will Ferrell On Conan
Foot Fist Way opening June 6th
Is the scary man gone? Now for today’s post: For those “hella slow” on the take, when you last saw the cinematic master of disaster, it was Cinco de Mayo at the Roosevelt and MRF was in town for the premier of the movie The Foot Fist Way (check out last week’s Reel for the full review).
Opening in SF on June 6th, If you’ve already seen the FFW website and are aching for another hit of the Fred Simmons magic, click on this clip of Fred and his demo team on Conan O’Brien where Fred (Danny McBride) works his special blend of Andy Kaufman inspired brilliance on a seemingly stunned Conan and Will Ferrell. Are Will and Conan in on the joke? What do you think you fucking retards?* The answer is hell yes, The King of the Demo could totally take Kimbo Slice.
As for the post premier Fiesta in Pool Cabana Room #217, Kimbo and the Demo King were cordial; everything was cool until the cops showed up. Perhaps it was the 800 gallons of tequila we poured down our booze holes, or the revelry generated from a movie premier that was two years in the making, but something loco this way come and kept coming that night in the form of cops in sombreros, piñata porn, ghosts & specters, freaks & geeks, whores with sores, actors, fiends, pimps, deans, strippers, priests, thugs, mugs, rappers, punkers, poppers, and did I mention the rock band The Scorpions popped by to borrow two Hoop-Ts and 4 bottles of tequila?
German Scorpions Storm Ze Hollywood Roosevelt
The Scorpions
And that’s not even the weird part…If you didn’t get the memo, this grand hotel is haunted as balls by an entire cast of celebrity ghosts like Marilyn Monroe and Monty Clift. Am I living in a fantasy? After hearing 33 ghost stories a day, you’d start believing. Ask any hotel staffer, you hear the same, Marilyn’s Ghost still dances in the ballrooms. Ask the crazy pool bartenders and watch them go all Rick Moranis (in Ghostbusters) on you…If you love ghosts and shizz like that and ever happen to stay at the Roosevelt, try drumming up some spectral shenanigans by reserving one of these Haunted Roosevelt Hotel Suites….
But back to The Scorpions who knocked on my door 2 minutes after the Five-O kicked everyone out. It went a little like this: Knock, knock, who’s there? In a thick German accent, I hear then see:
THE SCORPIONS
We’re the FUCKING SCORPIONS, WHO DE FUCK ARE YOU?
What?? You're a Hooker??... You’re a Hooker with hookers?…
Really? No? Yes, let us in. You Hooker will take us to them.
SCORPIONS BASSIST
“Dood, we are the fucking Scorpions. Don’t you think we’ve not seen the best parties in the world for the last 20 years? Had the best chicks, trashed the finest hotels, taken the best drugs?
MRF
Hell yes, you rocked the world like a, a Hurricane.
This is so Spinal Tap, btw, this moment right here…
The Scorpions laugh in German & the bass player put his hand on my back.
SCORPIONS BASSIST
I know, dood, we hear dat all the fucking time,
haha, now let’s go find these bitches…
This Is Spinal Tap
Speaking of trashy strippers and trashed hotel rooms, a certain (spandex wearing) 80s Hair Metal Band ordered MRF to review the movie This is Spinal Tap. For all you kids who’ve never seen the greatest rockumentary of all time, Spinal Tap is the stuff of legends, a film about the loudest, most offensively stupid has-been rock band in England on their ridiculous 1982 U.S. comeback tour. The ultimate in-joke on the 80s music industry, Tap was acted, written and directed by 3 1/2 comedy geniuses in their prime (Chris Guest, Mike McKean, Harry Shearer and Rob “Meathead” Reiner), no wonder it’s fucking great…
Tap also has a heart, paying homage to good soldiers who battled in The Tap trenches but never got to taste the nectar. Contemporaries like The Scorpions confess to holding love in their gnarly hearts for Spinal Tap’s fourth drummer featured in the picture (the now dead) Eric “Stumpy Joe” Childs, who used to jam with the Scorpions back in the late 70s. What ever happened to Eric Stumpy Joe?
Stumpy Joe died...the official explanation was he choked on vomit.
It was actually someone else’s vomit. It’s not...It’s ugly.
There’s no real...You know, they can’t
prove whose vomit it was...they don’t have the facilities
at Scotland Yard....You can’t really dust for vomit…
Treading In A Sea of Retarded Sexuality and Bad Poetry
In the end, MRF’s Motley Crew never solved the mystery of Marilyn’s ghost or Monty’s blowing trumpet. I suppose like life, it will remain one of those things...you know...the authorities said... best leave it unsolved, really...*
Before I cut out, big ups to all the karate chopping Foot Fist rockers, Paramount Vantage, Gary Sanchez Productions, Erin Gates, Danny McBride, Ben Best, Chuck “The Truck” Wallace, Fred Simmons and his Demo Team, Adam McKay, Kimbo Slice and Will Ferrell. And thanks to The Scorpions for showing up to Rock Us Like a Hurricane, stealing our bitches and drinking all our booze…Till next time, keep ridin’ America, be bad and get into trouble baby…*
Hooker’s Pick To Click
• The Foot Fist Way (2006) Dir. Hill – in S.F. June 6
• This Is Spinal Tap (1984) Dir. R. Reiner
Volume 65 Footnotes
• “You just getting back from working out? No I just got back from church you fucking retard.” – The Foot Fist Way (2006): Fred Simmons condemns his whoreface wife’s thong-fit as “Lord inappropriate.”
• “It’s one of those things...you know...the authorities said... best leave it unsolved, really...”- This Is Spinal Tap (1984): Nigel Tufnel blithely accepts the murder of his favorite drummer, who loved gardening
• “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack
