courtesy of United Artists

Drunk Waiters and Birdie Num Nums At the Castro

Greetings and salutations* from one of the 17 designer powder rooms located in John Travolta’s sweet ass Hollywood Monster Pad. I’m talking solid gold bidets as far as the eye can see film nerds but I’m not here to give my (celebrity) undercarriage a ‘how’s your father?’* I’m actually taking a break from the insane party going on downstairs, smoking my last crucifix joint with Julio, the grateful bathroom attendant. I wonder what the hell happened to Hrundi V. Bakshi my new bumbling Bollywood sidekick?

If you didn’t get the invite, Travolta’s throwing another sex-crazed, drug fueled Scientology party, yawn. I’m so over all these jet-propelled ass wipes, I wouldn’t even be here if I weren’t into hard-hitting undercover journalism and sweet revenge this week.

Bea Arthur Broke My Pussy Finger, Wah*

None of these bloated A Listers know I’m really in disguise in disguise in disguise* posing as a caterer to capture exclusive “hidden camera” footage for TMZ.com. See, I promised I’d throw TMZ a bone if they’d burn the tape they have of MRF skinny-dipping with Bea Arthur and Rue McClannahan. Don’t ask, I was young, I needed a job and being a PA on the set of The Golden Girls sounded awesome until I ended up Bea Arthur’s involuntary androgynous sex slave cabana boy for two seasons. I still don’t know how TMZ got a hold of that tape …

Never Party With A Guy Wearing A 10-Gallon Hat

courtesy of United Artists

Surprisingly, no revelers have spotted the hidden camera. Obviously none of these dickweeds are from Texas where the 8th Western Commandment, is never party with a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat … you can’t trust them. I mean, how soon do we forget a South American wearing an oversized urban sombrero secretly taped Kate Moss hoovering blow at a London party a few years back? And if you believe Bob Woodward’s autobiography, both he and Carl Bernstein were wearing comedy foam fedoras with hidden spy cams when they hooked up with Deep Throat in that parking garage. Unfortunately for The Washington Post, that idiot Bernstein forgot to load the foam cameras, but that’s another story …*

My TMZ orders are to point my 10-gallon hat cam in every nook and cranny of this sweat hog palace to find out who’s banging who, who’s snorting what and who’s not wearing any underwear. Tonight, the biggest offender is uh Tom Arnold. Ugh. I feel sort of scummy rifling through their coats and man purses looking for dirt while they eat, drink and get peppermint colonics on the back veranda, but these Scientologists deserve it.  

You should hear how they treated my boy Hrundi on the set of Battlefield Earth. I thought I was the only accident-prone actor of no importance who was mistakenly let on a Hollywood soundstage only to unintentionally wreak havoc and get blackballed for life. This dude’s like my Bollywood soul brother!  Hrundi says Travolta blackballed my favorite Indian extra after he destroyed a few Battlefield Earthsets and the Panavision cameras spotted him wearing an underwater diving watch during the filming of the space opera. Big deal.

A Roller Skating Hindu Cow in A China Closet

Not sure how Hrundi managed to crash Travolta’s party but once inside, his bad karma continued. I’m talking Sean Young bad. The police tried to haul him off an hour ago after he accidentally trashed Travolta’s giant screening room, billiard room, kitchen, bar, dance floor, dining room, bathroom, two master bedrooms and finally the swimming pool shaped like Olivia Newton John’s ass. Somebody should have been filming. This dude, is a walking disaster, it was like watching a roller-skating Hindu Cow careen through a china closet (in IMAX) …

Edwards and Sellers Know How to Ruin A Party

courtesy of United Artists

You’ve heard about these Hollywood parties, now Peter Sellers invites you to The Party, if you’ve ever been to a wilder party, you’re under arrest …*

Now for today’s cinematic post: You may want to take note, the vapor trail of director Blake Edwards and my favorite comedic actor, the late great Peter Sellers are in SF next week (April 18th) for the 40th anniversary of their unlikely comedy hit The Party, about an uninvited Indian guest at a swinging’ Hollywood shindig who wreaks havoc on the Sacred Cow establishment, sound familiar? 

We’ve all heard of a concept album, The Party is a concept movie. Its loose improvised structure serves as a series of set pieces for the genius Sellers, who wields a dodgy Indian accent and accidentally trips, bumps and stumbles over everything in his wake. Half of the picture has no dialog, the other half is improvised, yet it remains the rage among discerning Sellers fans as one of his most creative performances. 

You’ve never seen anything like it, Sellers as Hrundi V. Bakshi is like watching an Indian Laurel & Hardy on acid drive through 200 plates of glass then crash into the world’s largest fruit truck. That film nerds is a good thing. Get on the party wagon and get down to the Castro April 18th to check out The Party if you’re into peppermint colonics and swinging with Hindu Sweat Hogs.  Everyone who shows up dressed as the drunk waiter wins a jumbo box of birdie num nums courtesy of 7x7.com. Till next time, stay slapstick America, be bad and get into trouble baby…*



Peter Sellers Picks to Click
•    The Party (1968) – Dir. Edwards
•    I Love You Alice B. Toklas! (1968) – Dir. Averback
•    Being There (1979) – Dir. Ashby
•    The Magic Christian (1969) – Dir. McGrath
•    Murder By Death (1976) – Dir. Simon
•    What’s New Pussycat? (1965) –  Dir. Donner/Talmadge
•    Dr. Strangelove (1964) – Dir. Kubrick
•    Lolita (1962) – Dir. Kubrick

Volume 59 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder. 
•    “How about giving my undercarriage a how’s your father? Yeah baby.” – Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery (1996): Mike Myers gets scatological sexy on Liz Hurley after being cryogenically frozen for 30 years.
•    “I was in disguise, in disguise, in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks in this racket.” – Murder By Death (1976): Peter Falk (as Sam Diamond)
•    “You almost broke my pussy finger, wah.” – Saturday Night Fever(1977): Travolta warns his herd not to mess with his moneymaker.
•    “You’ve heard about these Hollywood parties, now Peter Sellers invites you to The Party. If you’ve ever been to a wilder party, you’re under arrest …* - The Party (1968): Tagline for the Blake Edwards classic.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.