My girlfriend has a couple of vibrators that she likes and has been using for years, more often (she says) when she was single or when we’ve been away from each other on business trips and the like. The other day she suggested using one while we were having sex, and I was open, but when I saw how quickly and powerfully it got her off, I felt a little taken aback. She orgasms with me nearly every time, but not in like three minutes flat. I want her to have as much pleasure as possible, but I worry that if we bring the vibrator into bed with us, she'll get more attached to it than she is to me, if you know what I mean.
He Said: Jealousy is a very normal, if not entirely healthy, emotion when it comes love and sex, but this is the first time I've heard someone express jealously of an inanimate object. First off, the speed of achieving orgasm is a bad way to judge the quality of your sex life. The best orgasms are almost always the ones achievable only over a longer period of lovemaking. In fact, you should take it as a compliment that your girlfriend gets off so quickly with a vibrator. Everyone has their bag of masturbation tricks, which is usually about getting off as fast and efficiently as possible. With you, the ride will undoubtedly be longer and more pleasurable. Be happy that she has chosen to share a very intimate habit with you, and don't be afraid to ask her the same favor—or perhaps you already do? Men routinely masturbate with a free hand during sex, and nobody thinks twice about it.
She Said: Rest assured, you are not the first guy I know to express jealousy over an inanimate object. One friend of mine couldn’t even bring herself to buy a vibrator for fear her boyfriend would find it. And it’s not just men who can harbor a fear of electronics: According to this study, many women worry that overuse of a vibrator can desensitize the clitoris. A quick scan with Mr. Google shows that experts are divided on the issue—though Dr. Betty Dodson makes a pertinent point when she says, “Imagine telling a guy he has desensitized his penis from too many blow jobs. He’d laugh.”
In my experience, and the experience of many of my female friends, vibrators are indeed more efficient in bringing about an orgasm than fingers, tongues, or penises. Vibrator orgasms can be amazingly fun and pleasurable, but they can also lack the deep satisfaction of an orgasm brought about through skin-on-skin contact. I find it helpful to think of vibrator orgasms as a sugary dessert and “organic” orgasms as slow food. Both are delicious, and you can often have both in one sitting—but you don’t want to have dessert at every meal. (Unless you’re one of the few who can have dessert at every meal and not gain a pound, in which case, go for it.)
At any rate, your girlfriend has to experiment with this and come to her own conclusions. Don’t go borrowing trouble. If she brings out the vibrator every so often, enjoy watching her get off so quickly, take the reins of the vibrator yourself and participate, and maybe even invest in a vibrating toy that gets you in on the action. If she starts overusing it during your lovemaking, then tell her your concerns, which certainly stem partly from ego but also, I’m assuming, from a sincere desire to protect your sexual bond with her. Most women find it more challenging to express themselves and experiment sexually than to compromise and bend to their partners’ sexual norms. Don’t rain on her parade just yet. Chances are you won’t even need to.
Curious? Confused? Heartbroken? Send your questions to twosense@7x7.com
