I'm a twenty-something lesbian living in Oakland. I'm totally out, comfortable being gay, and love women unconditionally. I don't really relate to men other than as friends. Though I'm not ready to settle down, I'm pretty good at dating and intimacy. But here's the catch. I love cock. I'd much rather be with a woman overall, but then I get distracted by my pursuit of what I consider better orgasms that only the penis can produce. (Sex toys suck!) How can I have the best of both worlds?

He Said: I don't see the contradiction you describe here, especially if you move subtly in the direction of bisexuality as your sense of identity. As you begin dating women more seriously, it might make sense to seek out those who allow you to pursue you penis hobby on the side (or perhaps want to participate in your hobby, an idea that would make a lot of straight men very, very happy). My bet is there are plenty of women who would see the complexity of your desire as sexy rather than as some kind of a threat.

Moreover, once you get serious about dating and fall for a particular woman, the particularities of the anatomy will begin to feel less important to you than while you are single and playing the field, where fantasy is as important as reality. There is nothing like true love to make you forget about everyone else, male or female. Good luck!

She Said: It does seem like a pickle you’re in, but less so once you remove the word “lesbian.” Might we say you are indeed bisexual? I don’t mean to get hooked on semantics, but a woman who regularly desires to have sex with a man and claims that the ensuing orgasm is superior to those she has with women needs to at least consider loosening up her definitions.

The words you use to pose your question are a big clue to its answer. How can you have the best of both worlds? By fully inhabiting both worlds. If you don’t want to use the term bisexual, fine. Forget the label. You want an ongoing relationship with a woman that includes regular sex with men. You’re not ready to settle down anyway, so keep dating women, but let them know upfront you don’t want monogamy and that you still plan to see men sometimes. I know plenty of mostly “straight” women who are very turned on by other women’s bodies, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you find a few “lesbians” who like the male member as much as you do. And as noted above, you will then be in luck, because there isn’t a single man alive who wouldn’t love to be the boy toy of a hot lesbian couple every once in a while.

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